Unfiltered Bad Santa quotes from the most vulgar of Christmas movies.
While not on the list of classic Christmas movies to watch during the holiday season, Bad Santa makes its mark as a Christmas movie you’ll never forget. Directed by Terry Zwigoff, this Raunchy film depicts Santa like you’ve never seen him before.
Willie, played by Billy Bob Thornton, and his assistant Marcus (Tony Cox) are thieves who pose as Christmas characters to commit their petty crimes. These two have quite the lip and don’t hold anything back.
This isn’t a Christmas movie that you want to gather your family and children around to watch together. You’ll see what we mean here in these Bad Santa quotes…
Bad Santa movie quotes from Santa himself
1. “Why don’t you wish in one hand, and shit in the other. See which one fills up first.” – Willie
2. “I said, “Next,” goddamn it! This is not the DMV!” – Willie
3. “Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me, all right?” – Willie
4. “I’m on my f*cking lunch break, ok!” – Willie
5. “No, I’m an accountant. I wear this f*cking thing as a fashion statement, alright?” – Willie
6. “OW! Watch the toenails, kid. Shit!” – Willie
7. “Wanna see some magic? OK, let’s watch you disappear.” – Willie
8. “I hope that you got my present and that there wasn’t too much blood on it.” – Willie
Insulting Bad Santa quotes
9. “Well, you smell like a bum’s nut sack.” – Willie
10. “You said that yesterday, you stupid f*ck.” – Marcus
11. “You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot eatin’ shit that has every slid from a human being’s hairy ass.” – Marcus
12. “You know what I see when I look at you? America’s got a sad future ahead of it.” – Gin
13. “I could stick you up my ass, small fry.” – Gin
Bad Santa quotes and one-liners
14. “I’m not your f*ckin’ da da” – Willie
15. “I wouldn’t be diggin’ in your ass!” – Marcus
16. “I’m an eating, drinking, shitting, f*cking Santy Claus.” – Willie
17. “ASSCLOWN!” – Hindustani Troublemaker
18. “You’re as queer as a ten-dollar bill.” – Hindustani Troublemaker
19. “More booze, more bullshit, more butt-f*cking.” – Marcus
20. “Are you off your f*cking meds or something?” – Willie
21. “Well they all can’t be winners.” – Willie
22. “Mind your own goddamn business.” – Willie
The Best Bad Santa quotes from Marcus
23. “In case you didn’t notice, I’m a motherf*cking dwarf. So unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand, hmm?” – Marcus
24. “I weigh 92 pounds, you d*ck!” – Marcus
25. “If I call you next December, IF I call you next December, you’re gonna be so happy to hear from me, you’re gonna do a goddamn back flip. You’re gonna put that Santa hat on so fast that you’re gonna get f*cking hat-burn.” – Marcus
26. “It won’t happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That’s all.” – Marcus
27. “Yeah? Where? You see us [midgets] hanging off of f*cking trees like f*cking crab apples?” – Marcus
28. “Sketch it up, you f*cking moron. F*cking Leonardo da Vinci.” – Marcus
29. “Jesus Christ! Can you maybe at least keep it together for just 10 minutes?” – Marcus
30. “You need many years of therapy. Many, many, many, f*ckin’ years of therapy.” – Marcus
31. “Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph. You pissed yourself!” – Marcus
More Bad Santa quotes
32. “The world ain’t fair. You’ve gotta take what you need when you can get it. You’ve gotta learn to stand up for yourself.” – Willie
33. “Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this shit.” – Willie
34. “Don’t take no shit from nobody, least of all, yourself.” – Willie
35. “Well they say he can get into anything. Anything. They say he’s been in Margaret Thatcher’s p*ssy.” – Willie
36. “I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something. I don’t know. Like I accomplished something.” – Willie
37. “I’ve been to prison once, I’ve been married – twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 1/2 years for no reason. I’ve had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that’s never gonna heal. I’ve seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this!” – Willie
38. “I don’t want any f*cking sandwiches. What is it with you and fixin’ f*cking sandwiches?” – Willie
39. “Whatcha my mom now? You shat me out of your womb?” – Willie
40. “I’ve always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep-seeded childhood thing.” – Sue
Which of these Bad Santa quotes is your favorite?
As you can see, this may not be the Christmas movie you’ll pick for your family movie night, but it just might make you laugh when you’re in the mood for some adult humor. Nothing is off-limits when it comes to this movie so be careful who you’re watching it with.
Believe it or not, an unrated version of the film was released in 2004 with dialogue that pushes the limits on dark and dirty humor. There is also a sequel, Bad Santa 2. These films will just keep surprising you. If you enjoy the more traditional Christmas movie, skip watching this one.
Did you enjoy these Bad Santa quotes and lines? Which of the quotes is your favorite? Let us know in the comment section below.